Thursday, April 11, 2013

Children of Suicide Club

Taken at Seattle "Out of the Darkness" Suicide Prevention Walk for AFSP
The secret blog entry in the link below was a tentative step toward the chasm. Writing publicly about it felt reckless, wrong and necessary.

"Busty Sphinx" or "The Unique Gift of a Secret Blog"

Writing an anonymous blog during the years that I did unlocked me in ways I hadn't expected. When you write as an occupation, you must concern yourself with markets and audiences, trends and tropes. It's possible to wake up one morning and realize you can't remember why you wanted to write in the first place.

There is magic in writing for an audience, yet not writing for an audience. It can bring you to a level of raw honesty if you let it. And such honesty can bring you back to the well--the source of what you long to say.

In the entry I'll share today, I was clearly having second thoughts about the project:

Like this only legless. And gold. And a Christmas ornament. Okay, not like this.

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Releasing my Secret Blog

Inspired perhaps by Brené Brown's TED talk on vulnerability, and perhaps by the reflective space in which I find myself in the wake of my stepfather's death, I've decided to post from my "secret blog." This is a blog I started in 2004 after asking myself, "What would I write if I was planning to post it publicly, but knew that I wouldn't be identified?" The blog covers a journey from depression to hope, working through long-buried fears about my father's mental illness, jousting with my identity as a person of faith and, eventually, coming to terms with having a transgender child.

It seems like the right time to release it, and perhaps it will be of help to someone. And it does contain some of the most vulnerable things I've ever said on any public forum--even anonymously. The one I'm posting this morning is about being in the grip of despair, as I was for many years. It offers no solutions; it simply acknowledges. If you are there now, I want to tell you that it does get better.

Tuesday, April 9, 2013

A Few Words About Being a Recipient of Stolen Goods

When we lost my husband's income in 2011, we never thought we'd still be in this situation two years later.

He spent his first summer of "unemployment" taking a small business course. He had been helping me with my sole proprietorship for years, but the time he took to turn it into an LLC and smooth out some of our operations allowed our revenues to take a leap. Unfortunately, it was not a high enough leap to support us entirely.

Because he still had the unemployment compensation last spring, we decided to take another kind of leap and enroll him in a teaching certification program. For years he'd wanted to do a more service-oriented profession and leave the corporate world, where he felt less and less sense of purpose. We were assured that his unemployment compensation would last through his job retraining, but in the fall, right before he embarked on the (unpaid) internship part of the process, the Legislature decided he'd received unemployment long enough--that he and all the other lazy n'er-do-wells should quit milking the public. We were pretty unprepared for this and as he was in the middle of his program and already committed to the internship, we just dove into the darkness and prayed for the best.

Since then, we have continued to work hard at our business, I've taken on additional teaching hours, get speaking gigs as often as possible and pray that my upcoming royalty statement will actually have a check in it. And since September, we have received food stamps, help from our church, friends and families, grants from the electric company, and charity medical care.

I had a "friend" refer to any kind of tax-supported social program as government theft, chastising me for receiving "stolen goods," which was not only immoral, but "bad for the soul."

Yet I am not repentant about being a "welfare mom." I believe that this passage is here to teach me something, not only about humility and gratitude, but about what many folks endure for a lifetime. Though I have no doubt that our situation will turn around, not everyone is able to break out of poverty. Those who are in it longterm often simply give up, beaten down by a culture that blames them for their situation. 

I know this from sitting in waiting rooms for hours, queuing for my turn to get help from overwhelmed social workers. I know it from filling out forms that assume I am out to cheat the system. It's hard not to succumb to shame as one answers those questions--as if maybe I should just go home and figure out something else (like, say, homelessness.) But this is my time to endure short-term humiliation for longterm good.

I can't tell you how grateful I am that there is a safety net. Our church has gone above and beyond in helping us, but there are so many in need. That's why we as a caring society must continue to make it a priority value to help the poor, just as we make it a priority to provide roads, schools and police officers to our community.  When we had a corporate salary income I did not feel robbed supporting such things with my taxes.

Even if we had NO compassion, and believed that the poor were all drug-abusing parasites who should simply go away, the fact is "the poor will be with us always." And that fact is a challenge to us as human beings. What are we going to do about that? It's not only the job of the church (though it is the job of the church); it is the job of any civilized society to make a safety net available. Without the safety net, the community itself is weighted down by poverty which begins its insidious crawl through every infrastructure.

Because of the safety net, our family will make it to the other side of this relatively intact. Without it, we would be moving into the home of a friend, sending two of our kids (who are living with and helping us) to find their own friends to live with. We'd be so behind on our bills right now that we may never be able to crawl out. Our car would have been repossessed long since. We'd be choosing between electricity and food. 

None of this would be conducive to growing a small business, starting a nonprofit, or any kind of focused job retraining. None of it would be conducive to our continuing to contribute to our community. It's hard to help the swim team when you're drowning.

I will hear that we are the "exception," that we actually do believe in work, but that the majority of social service recipients are criminals. I hear stories of welfare cheats every time I am brave enough to talk about this. Every time. It's as if the person I am talking to doesn't hear me. They breeze right over my experience and tell me about their friend, whose son was told to say he was homeless so he could get benefits he wasn't entitled to. Or about Octomom, or some other media welfare sensation. Or about something they saw in a reality show.

My "honorary daughter" is doing a degree in social work and here is the statistic she shared with me: Yes. People do cheat. There are numbers for that. The numbers are 2%-4%. 2%-4% of welfare recipients are actively cheating the system. The other 96%-98% of us are invisible--the people for whom a temporary hand up makes the difference between a tough but achievable transition and years spent climbing out of a hole. I'm 50. I don't have years to spend climbing when I've worked so hard to get to this point. We had our legs knocked out from under us by a job loss and we have the opportunity to make something good come out of that. Or to let it flatten us.

My two cents.